OK, so my last post may have been a bit cynical and a touch negative. Sorry about that. Some of you may have found love and that’s really nice. Some of you may be dating and that’s exciting.

If you are dating and aren’t very good at it, I’d like to offer you some advice. Although my single status belies this, I’m actually pretty good at dating. In fact, I have a 100% success rate. I’m good at dating, not so good at the relationship that follows, but that’s another story… Dating! Hmmmm.

First dates are always the trickiest - what to wear, what to say, etc. Depending on how desperate the person you’re dating is, these elements can be deal-makers or deal-breakers. Read on.

What to wear on a first date: Nothing too tarty! OK, show a little bit of flesh, but stick to the legs or chest rule – never both and beware the nipple flash. Tit tape is a winner if you’re fond of the barmaid-plunge style of neckline (not advisable). If you’re getting your legs out in this weather (and you should if you have good legs), make sure your tights are hole and ladder-free and don’t wear fishnets. Lace tights are kind of OK right now, but never team with a leather skirt – again, beware the 1980’s barmaid look. NEVER look like you’ve made a huge effort (even if you have) so avoid matching all your accessories or wearing too much make up.

What to say: Don’t worry about this one too much, just drink plenty of booze and let nature take its course. Avoid the words ‘stalker’, ‘obsession’, ‘marriage’ and ‘kids’, unless you have kids or have been married (don’t bang on about them/it), or you have been stalked (keep some stuff back for the second date). I always say the wrong things, in dates and everyday life, but have found that men rarely notice and if they do, it’s easy to back track or divert (nipple flash). I tend to wait until a few weeks into the relationship before I mess things up, words-wise. That’s the time when you should really watch your mouth.

What to do with your hair: This one is worth paying attention to. Men don’t like women who look mental (they secretly like women who are a bit mental), so give it a brush at the very least. Men hate hairspray. They don’t understand it unless they’re gay or work in the theatre. The best plan of action (especially if you want to look groomed) is to have a proper salon blow-dry, or do it yourself if you’re really clever. Men love Kelly Brook. Not just because of her tits but also because of her hair - It’s long and tumbly and looks soft. Go for that if you have long hair, or otherwise just try and get a nice soft wave in there somewhere. Give them something they’ll want to stick their fingers into.

So there we have it. Everything you need to know for a successful first date. I thank you.